Timeline Page 9 of 9

Sep 28th, 2017 thru Oct 2nd, 2017

Patrice Hayes Chris Ansman

PATRICE: Can Judy and I do something with Andrea next Monday?

CHRIS: I can't help but express my confusion over the audacity of your request given your refusal to answer my questions and the boundaries I recently informed you of. I do not know if you feel justified in asking because you allowed Patrick to stay with you while I stayed with Andrea at the hospital, but if that is true, I can only say that your help was appreciated, but does not change my stance. Frankly, I am not sure if I am upset because the request seems to underscore that you do not respect me, or if I admire your persistence. I am honestly undecided.

I sincerely wish that I felt you empathized with the anxiety and depression I have been left with and the constant struggle to convince myself that everything will be okay. I tell myself that you must be feeling something similar because I know you love Andrea, but your refusal to help me work through my issues always leaves me feeling angry, distrustful and disrespected. If you cannot find cause to help me, you must realize by helping me that you would be helping Andrea and Patrick as well. I often wonder how you justify the choices you made that lead to Andrea's brain injury; How you continued to punish and humiliate me after learning the truth and realizing the mistakes you made; And the expectations you have for me to let that all go and believe that your only intention now is to help us.

I suspect that you feel like the money you provided us makes amends for all of this. I am appreciative for that and understand that you were not obligated to do so, but you also need to acknowledge (financially) you cost me more than that in legal fees alone. Honestly, if you were a doctor whose negligence caused Andrea's brain injury, you would be left in worse financial ruins then I currently find myself in.

In order for me to justify my words and feelings, I feel compelled to remind you again that Andrea's brain injury was the direct result of your failure to help her when you knew she needed it. The evidence of this is irrefutable. I am not going to do so here, but if you want me to again provide you with the details of this accusation, I will do so. As I have stated before, I do not believe you intended for this to happen. You may even believe you were doing the right thing at the time, but your attempt to control the situation has resulted in a loss that cannot be undone and there is NOTHING you can do that will bring Andrea back to us.

I believe that you owe it to me to honestly answer the questions I have asked of you, acknowledge that you have NOT answered them previously, and realize that you are the only one who benefits from refusing to so. I believe you owe it to Andrea to use your financial resources to help her reclaim any functionality that was taken from her, no matter how small the gains may be. And finally, that you need to apologize and accept responsibility for the decisions you made that caused all of us to suffer and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives. I do not believe that any of you should be allowed to live out your lives without the shame of consequence with the knowledge of how you destroyed our lives.

I have been counseled by many throughout this ordeal. I have been told, by those who know you better than I, to avoid painting you into a corner, because your stubbornness will only result in me pushing you away completely. If that is the final outcome, so be it, I have to do what I feel is necessary to help me find balance.

I implore you once again to do the right thing, not merely what you say is the right thing. I am asking you to put an end to the belief that ignoring me will make our problems go away, I assure you that will not work. We cannot continue to pretend that we are in a harmonious relationship, we need to establish one. I need your help, but in order for me to unquestionably accept that your intentions are to help all of us, I need to feel you are willing to be honest with me about your mistakes. I hope you understand.

PATRICE: We have discussed these issues before. We understand that you do not think our answers are honest. We have told you what we believe happened. We do not have anything new to say. That is why we do not want to continue the conversation. We would like for all of us to put aside our differences, get along and work together. That is what we are trying to do.

CHRIS: There are numerous opportunities for me to pick apart your response and prove to you that you have not answered any of the 21 questions I sent you. I believe you are trying to dilute my request for answers as if my questions were general inquiries, but they are not, they are very specific. I could explain until I am blue in the face that we have never spoken of Andrea's website (Question #21) or even casually discussed many of the topics highlighted in the remaining 20 questions, but I have learned that you do not care how logical my argument may be, you simply choose to ignore it and pretend it never took place. Maybe you did not even read through my questions. Most likely you did not, and that only speaks to the problem I have regarding respect.

The following is an example I am willing to wager on that illustrates my point. If I am wrong, I will concede that you are sincere in your efforts and that I am wrong about your intentions. On July 22nd I sent you an email explaining how I needed to revisit the one time (New Jersey) we spoke about any of my issues (which is the basis of your claim that my questions have been answered). In that email I stated the following:

I would appreciate if you would both take the time to listen to a conversation between Andrea and I on February 17th, 2015. The link to this conversation is listed below. The conversation does not paint a flattering picture of me, I understand that, but please understand that I was frustrated with Andrea and the both of you during this period. What I hope for you to get from this is a better understanding of my point of view before reviewing my questions.

My question is this: Can you explain to me what that argument was about?

As I stated, I do not believe you will be able to answer that question because I do not believe you even took the time to listen to it. If I am wrong, I will keep my word and concede, but if I am correct then your lack of respect for me is evident and you do not feel it is necessary to accommodate me even for the simplest requests.

If I am correct, I expect you will choose once again not to respond because any excuse for you not to take 5 minutes to listen will not make any sense. If I am correct, why would I want to compound my stress to accommodate anyone who so clearly had a personal interest in ending my marriage and having my son taken from me?

I just wanted answers for the pain you put me through, but you do not want to answer those questions because they will make you look like the monster you chose to paint me as. It really is that simple. The difference between you and I is that I chose to endure it in the hope of saving my marriage while I suspect that you would choose rather to alienate your daughter and grandson before being forced to answer for your mistakes.

We will see.

As expected, I received no response.

Oct 5th, 2017

John Hayes Chris Ansman

JOHN: Are Patrick and I still working together Monday for community service

CHRIS: I do not believe so.

As stated previously, I made a choice to speak solely with Patrice about my issues and attempted to avoid involving anyone else. There are a number of issues I have with the way other family members, and particularly you, treated me throughout this ordeal before I obtained guardianship, but I came to a conclusion early on that attempting to require all of you to address my issues would result in a battle on many fronts that I am not emotionally equipped to see through. I decided that any efforts to find a resolution that I could accept would be directed at the person that I feel was most responsible for leading us here.

I have earnestly tried numerous times to avoid requiring anyone to answer for the decisions that have resulted in all of us suffering unbearable grief and great loss. I wish I could make you all understand why I feel it is impossible and unwise for me to simply let it go. My issues go well beyond a personal need for apologies and assigning blame, they are a need to justify the trust required for me to feel safe in reestablishing a relationship. I need to know why you delayed getting Andrea help for her alcoholism. I need an explanation why you all failed to prevent the binge drinking episode on March 30th, 2015 that caused Andrea's brain injury. I need to know how you justified compelling countless others to believe that the responsibility for her brain injury laid solely upon me even after realizing the failure was yours. I need to know why you were willing to try to have my son taken from me after having this knowledge as well. These are obviously questions that no one would want to answer, but they are questions that need to be answered.

Unfortunately I do not feel there is any hope of convincing Patrice that my reasons go any deeper than trying to make her admit her mistakes. I cannot adequately explain all the variables involved and do not feel that it is necessary to do so, but I do feel it is incumbent on her to comply. I have only asked that my questions be answered honestly and I am entitled to that. I feel continuing my attempts to compel her to answer questions that she insists have been answered followed by her refusal to respond after I explain why they have not been answered, causes a level of frustration that I cannot continue. I feel we have come to an impasse that does not permit us to continue any type of relationship.

Patrick is leaving tomorrow for the weekend to attend the battle of Perryville reenactment with his troop. I plan on using that time to talk with Andrea about my dilemma. I am hopeful we are able to come to a decision that we can both agree on and commit to.

Oct 11th, 2017 thru Nov 6th, 2017

Unexpected response
Oct 11th, 2017 4:55pm

It has been made very clear to me that John and Patrice will not provide me with any insight into the reasons for their actions. I am unsure why I continue to demand that they do so. I do not believe they will ever capitulate. It is stubborness on my end, but for them it is much more complicated. Any acknowledgment of my claims or admission of guilt on their part will expose them to the judgement of countless people they worked so fervently to convince. I certainly understand their apprehension for doing so, but I just don't care.

Andrea's counselor requested that I invite John and Patrice to participate in one of our sessions. I explained that I had previously requested for them to attend counseling with me to resolve our issues, but that they did not believe it was necessary. I was genuinely surprised that they agreed to attend.

Patrice Hayes Chris Ansman

CHRIS: Andrea's therapist spoke with me over concerns she has over Andrea's anxiety and that the source of her anxiety are the tensions between you and I. I briefly explained to her our respective positions and that it does not appear our issues can be resolved. She is coming to our home on Monday at 4:30 for counseling and wanted me to ask you to participate in that session with us. She feels it is very important for Andrea's recovery for us to attempt to work through some of our issues and that Andrea can see this. I told her I would let you know.

PATRICE: We will be there.

The session
Nov 6th, 2017 4:45pm

John and Patrice arrived at our home 20 minutes before we were scheduled to begin. We sat in the living room and talked while we waited for the counselor to arrive. They spoke with Andrea and asked me questions about her progress. They were both courteous and polite, which was expected, but would make it difficult for me to confront them assertively. I cannot explain why this is difficult for me. I have no issues leveling accusations on paper, but when required to do so in their presence my thoughts become jumbled and I quickly lose focus.

The session lasted almost 2 hours. I was recording throughout it's entirety, a practice I regularly followed from the beginning.

The following excerpt, in my belief, typifies my experiences of attempting to have them answer for their actions.

Oct 30th, 2017 thru Nov 2nd, 2017

Email to John and Patrice
Oct 30th, 2017 10:58am

Chris Ansman John Hayes, Patrice Hayes

John and Patrice,

I need to ask if you all would be willing to discuss coming to an agreement over issues related to Andrea’s injury. The agreement would focus primarily on financial issues, but any items you wanted to include can be discussed. I am asking to avoid going to court or pursuing any other remedies available to me and escalating the tensions that currently exist between us. If you are willing to discuss this and we were able to come to an agreement, that agreement would need to be legally binding.

If I do not hear back from you by Thursday (11/2/17), I will assume you have no interest in any type of agreement and will not discuss that option any further. Any response, or the lack thereof, has no bearing on your ability to come and visit with Andrea.

Chris

Email response from John
Oct 30th, 2017 8:15pm

John Hayes Chris Ansman, Patrice Hayes

Patrice and I are not interested in discussing this.

Email response to John and Patrice
Nov 2nd, 2017 2:10pm

Chris Ansman John Hayes, Patrice Hayes

I cannot help but respond to your recent decision with one of those long and excessively factual rantings that I know you hate so much. Read it, don't read it, I don't care. The therapeutic value alone is worth my time.

It infuriates me that you both act as if you are blameless in all of this and that you balk at my suggestion that you are morally obligated to provide us with ongoing financial support. Your incessant need to shield yourself from the devastation you played such a vital role in creating, causes me to feel nothing but contempt for the both of you. Regardless of whatever mental gymnastics you perform to free yourself from guilt, I can only hope that karma will come full circle and find you.

I have listened to you espouse yourselves countless times as loving parents who have allowed Andrea to make her own decisions and simply want what is best for her, only to be followed by completely contradicting actions and statements. I do not know if you actually believe your own bullshit, but your hypocrisy causes me to feel disdain, I imagine, similar to what you describe how these letters make you feel.

I know about the berating comments you both have made about me over the years prior to Andrea's brain injury. She would tell me, although I'm unclear why, how her family would regularly remind her how selfish and anti-social I was. I do not know if Andrea reciprocated by telling you my feelings, she probably did, but my misgivings towards you centered around your needs to be looked upon as the head parental figures of the family who did not tolerate dissention for matters you felt strongly about. You made Andrea feel that her family did not approve of me, a reoccurring theme, and she felt continual pressure to choose between our family and yours. The card I returned to you, as well as other correspondence I found, are but a few examples of the systematic coercion you subjected Andrea to that made her feel compelled to choose between us, and it was that mounting pressure that certainly exacerbated her alcoholism. I often recall the night of February 26th, 2015, when my parents took Andrea, Patrick, and I to Outback for my birthday. Andrea and I had been discussing the option of her staying with you for a week to give her time to sort out her problems, an option you were obviously made aware of, but we decided against it earlier that day. Shortly after we began eating Andrea took a call from you, and I overheard her explaining, "It is my husband's birthday and I want to spend it with him.", and "I don't know when I am coming." Andrea would later explain the details of your call and that you were pressuring her to come and stay at your home. I also remember, only a few days prior, how you called our home 3 times within a 30 minute time frame. Each time you left the message, with increasing frustration, "Andrea it is your mother. I need you to call me.", messages I have kept to this day. Andrea and I were sitting on the couch when you called (she purposely ignored them), and when I asked why she did not take your call, she explained that she did not want to deal with you right then. Do these incidents really exemplify the actions of a parent who supported their child's right to make their own decisions without undue influence or purpose?

I want to address a few points from the counseling session on October 11th. The first and most important being John's subsequent admission to 'knowing' (immediately redacted to 'suspecting') about Andrea's alcoholism prior to her hospitalization. The first admission coming on April 25th, 2016 at the final Guardianship hearing in which John stated:

• We knew she had a problem;
• We knew she was stealing alcohol from us;
• We did not know how best to help her;

The only new information I learned from the latter admission is that she was specifically stealing gin, but Andrea learned that Patrice lied to her in New Jersey when she convincingly assured Andrea, "We did not know you were drinking. If we would have known, we would have gotten you help." (Yes, she specifically remembered you telling her that in Kristiana's kitchen.) This realization coupled with John's statement about removing old photos of her, caused Andrea quite a bit of anxiety, so much so that she spent a good portion of her counseling session the following day discussing it with her counselor at NeuroRestorative.

The incident that upset me the most was John's repeated interruption of, "Oh poor Chris", while I was attempting to explain how I felt about the way you both chose to treat me throughout this ordeal. I do not believe either one of you have any sympathy for the suffering you caused me then, and continue to do so now with your denial. How dare you attempt to marginalize my pain. Do you honestly not understand the magnitude of loss that we have suffered? A loss that you both share the responsibility for by allowing it to continue when you knew she needed help. You have the nerve to mock my grief after blatantly ignoring my pleas for you to help her? Do you not realize that not only did you refuse to help her, but you thwarted every attempt I made to help her? Do you not remember leaving her at your home alone while you travelled to New Jersey and informing your neighbor to call the police if he saw me? Do you not remember telling Andrea that my attempt to convince her to allow Mark and I to take her to the hospital was an attempt by me, "to control her"? I have exhausted countless hours going over all the failures that have lead us here, and none of them come remotely close to the culpability that is so depravedly yours to bear. The audacity it takes for you to ridicule me while I continue to stand with her, despite my attempts to prevent this outcome and your efforts to throw me under the bus, causes me to loathe you both more than you will ever realize.

Andrea was beautiful, intelligent, and had a personality that naturally attracted people towards her. Patrick and I loved her so much, and we are cruelly reminded everyday what we have lost and what we are left with. I miss the warmth of her eyes whenever she genuinely smiled. I miss so many things I will never see again.

Andrea is now blind, unable to communicate effectively, suffers seizures and debilitating panic attacks, confused by simplistic tasks, lost all ability to problem solve (including simple math), and has the early onset of Alzheimers and other neurological disorders to look forward to in the near future. She will never be able to care for herself or enjoy the life of an adult. She would be absolutely horrified to see herself reduced to her current state. There is no bright side to her demise. I do not need any lectures from either of you about how I am "looking at the glass half empty", especially while you are afforded the opportunity to take trips abroad, work on your lake house, and are allowed to continue making memories while enjoying the intimacy only a spouse can provide. You took all that from me and left me nothing to hope for but the opportunity to be a good caretaker.

Damn you both.

Apr 12th, 2022

It has been almost 5 years since I added any updates to our story. It is not because the drama has stopped unfolding nor that I had nothing new to add; I stopped because the subsequent events were a continuing vicious circle; the result of which, has caused me to continue into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. In hindsight, the fight was not worth it.

Andrea has not regained her "soul" and her deficits have shown no improvement; on the contrary, they have moderately worsened due to the continuing atrophy of her brain. Andrea has been admitted to the hospital on several occasions for uncontrolled seizures, sometimes for lengthy periods, and returns home in worse condition than when she left. These incidents are crushing to a family waiting on a miracle, and have left Patrick and I feeling hopeless and exasperated. There have been a few times when it appeared Andrea would come to the surface; laughter from the reminder of a funny event or a spontaneous memory she verbalizes from her past; but, those instances are fleeting and are cruelly followed by the return of a blank and expressionless face. I cannot adequately convey the heartache we experience every single day, although Patrick has shown much more resilience to the loss than I. He is currently a Junior in High School and has become more occupied with his friends and events; for that, I am grateful.