Timeline Page 8 of 9

Nov 10th, 2016 thru Nov 12th, 2016

Message from Patrice
Nov 10th, 2016 5:05pm

Patrice Hayes Chris Ansman

Patrice: Andrea wants to help with baking Christmas cookies. Renee and I are going to start baking them the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Do Andrea and Patrick want to come over?

Chris: There is a large white elephant in the room you have chosen to ignore and I cannot continue this charade until it is addressed. It is your choice not to respond, but if you choose not too, I choose to no longer communicate with you.

On October 12 I wrote the following and expect an explanation. Specifically concerning why you waited to get Andrea help and why you lied to me by saying you were unaware that Andrea was drinking prior to her admission.

We would all like to be able to do the things with Andrea that we were once able to do. Those times are gone and are now resigned to memories. You made a statement several weeks back that this is not the Andrea we knew and unfortunately you are correct. Andrea is a different person now. It is my responsibility to try and create a new life with her and Patrick, and I can only tell you that the separate visitation makes me uncomfortable. I can give you many reasons why, and I will if you wish, but believe it will only cause us further divide and feel you will only tell me I should not dwell on the past. Our lives have been irrevocably broken and I do not believe you acknowledge or accept the role you played in that. The fact is Andrea is brain damaged because you ignored my warnings and pleas to help her, did not take her to the hospital immediately after telling you she was an alcoholic (or at least monitor her after her admission) and she drank throughout the night and morning causing her liver to fail. To further complicate matters, medical and DCBS records state that John and you were aware of Andrea's drinking and that you knew she was stealing alcohol from you, but that “You were not sure how best to help her.” I do not believe you thought or intended this to happen, but it did, and now Patrick, Andrea and I have to try to pick up the pieces and move forward.

I have tried my hardest to allow you all to continue to be part of our lives without mandating that you answer for the things you did and did not do, but I have just reached a point where that is no longer possible. I am trying my best to help Andrea recover and resume a life worth living, I do not want to deal with the pressures of you questioning her about what I have said about you. Something that she has told me that you have done and only underscores the divide between us. I know you have tried to be respectful towards me since I obtained guardianship, but I cannot forget the lies, manipulation and hatred you exposed Patrick and I to during the most difficult period of our lives.

I want you to remain part of her life, but your judgement and handling throughout this ordeal was wrong and meant more to control and punish rather than help. I am not going to allow the situation to spiral out of control again or put Andrea in a position where she feels she has to choose sides. Andrea is happy and progressing. We need that to continue.

I feel my request is reasonable and for now it stands, but will keep an open mind, something you never afforded me.

Message to John
Nov 11th, 2016 10:48pm

Earlier today John left me a voicemail asking if he could talk to me. I knew his request was related to the text message I sent Patrice the day before.

Chris Ansman John Hayes

Chris: I am assuming that you called to speak with me over the text message I sent to Patrice yesterday. I want to first say that I do not believe it should be you that is reaching out to me, it should be Patrice. It was the decisions that she made that have brought us here, and I believe that everyone else simply followed her lead. This is not the first time she has asked someone to fall on their sword for her. I do not wish to speak with anyone over the phone about this. I am much better at organizing my thoughts on paper and believe that it prevents either party from improperly escalating the situation. I do not have the time tonight to think about all the issues I want addressed, only that there are many, and that I need for them to be addressed honestly. I will email those issues this weekend.

Message from Patrice
Nov 12th, 2016 12:29pm

Patrice Hayes Chris Ansman

Patrice: As we have said, we don't think discussing the past is beneficial. Andrea told us she was an alcoholic and had the first appointment she could get to deal with that. We took her to that. Before that we did not know that she had a problem with alcoholism. We did what we thought was best at the time. Andrea wants to have a relationship with both of us and we should be able to make that happen. We can not change the past. The only thing we can do is change what we do now.

Chris: I want to first address your insistence that there is no benefit in discussing the past. I disagree. I certainly understand the benefits for you to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, but for me, blindly moving forward without a backward glance is foolish. I have tried to do as you asked (you cannot say otherwise) and allowed you to actively participate in our lives without requiring you to answer for the pain you caused or the lies you told, but what I have learned from that is that it deprives me of any chance to heal and leaves me harboring bitter resentment. I am unable to simply let go of the horrible things you chose to put Patrick and I through, and I do not believe anyone could. The recent discoveries made from all the records I have obtained only exacerbates these feelings and forces me to question your judgement and integrity. Some of these discoveries I have made you are aware of, others I choose not to share, all of them give me reason to believe that Andrea's brain damage is the result of the negligent decisions made by you.

The remainder of your response is a grossly oversimplified distortion of the events that fails to address any of the points I made.

Nov 13th, 2016

Chris Ansman John Hayes, Patrice Hayes

John and Patrice,

I am giving up trying to convince you to be honest, admit your culpability and show remorse for the mistakes you have made. It is an exercise in futility I am no longer willing to engage in and was the only prospect left for us to rebuild our relationship.

You knew Andrea was severely ill and suffering from alcoholism. I informed you of the same and pleaded with you to get her help immediately after finding her cache of bottles. Her jaundice, mental deterioration and persistent vomiting were prevalent and unmistakable weeks prior to her admission. You made the choice to delay seeking medical care until you could develop a plausible storyline that would justify her alcoholism and create a mechanism for removing Patrick from my care. You attempted to coerce her into initiating a divorce from me, which she refused to do on two separate occasions. When Andrea finally did admit her alcoholism and ask for treatment, you chose to wait until the next day so that you could manipulate her into signing a power of attorney that she was not competent to sign due to the binge drinking episode at your home the previous night that ultimately caused her liver to fail. You failed to notify Patrick and I when she was transported to the emergency room and later ICU, in fact you chose to inform me via text that she was resting and unable to receive calls which denied us the last remaining hours to speak with Andrea before her subsequent coma and brain injury. You took advantage of the authority granted to you by the Power of Attorney to dictate the terms of my visitation and made sure that everyone knew that I was the reason for this tragedy. You denied me access to Andrea's medical information or the ability to ask questions of medical staff. You made false allegations to the hospital social worker, Yolanda Hildenbrand, and Child Protective Services hoping to have Patrick taken from me. When I did not give up and continued to come to the hospital every day, you saw that Andrea was refusing to accept your manipulation, and had Patrick and I escorted from the hospital by security and told to never return. You made Andrea believe that I had moved on, and when you knew the courts were going to order you to grant me visitation, you tried to convince Andrea I was having an affair and that a woman was living with me in our home. Unfortunately, your misdeeds did not end there, but I am tired of pointing them out to no avail.

I am fearful of what you are capable of and willing to do. I have an extensive list of the misdeeds you committed, the deception you engaged in, and the errors in judgement you have made. In regards to the latter, I would be remiss to not inform you that I am aware of the incident in September where Patrick accompanied John and yourself to the lake and was allowed to drink from a glass filled with gin and tonic and the statement afterward that it would not hurt him. This was not a harmless accident or acceptable in any way. He was traumatized that he drank alcohol, and given the circumstances, is an understandable response.

Patrick has lost his mother, I have lost my wife, and Andrea is merely a shadow of her former self with little hope of ever enjoying a normal life. All this loss and pain was avoidable. It disturbs me greatly that you are not willing to acknowledge or be held accountable for the transgressions you chose to commit. I agree that Andrea does want a relationship with the both of you, but she is also not aware of many of the acts you engaged in, but does acknowledge that her relationship with Patrick and I is what is most important.

You may continue to visit with Andrea, but you will no longer be permitted to remove her from our home. You can invite us to functions, but I will choose if we are willing to attend with a simple yes or no response. I do not want to be asked about Andrea or Patrick attending any event by themselves. I will not be dissuaded by threats of legal action, if you feel that is preferable, I will be prepared. I am no longer willing to engage in this pretense of civility shrouded in distrust and animosity. I am tired of trying to guess your intentions and motives and there is no longer any remedy that will put my mind at ease. You chose to create this environment and I am simply doing what is best for my family.

Chris

Apr 13th, 2017

Email from John
Apr 13th, 2017 7:50am

John Hayes Chris Ansman, Patrice Hayes

So, I have given time to think about what we spoke about last week. It is obvious you and Andrea need to make some changes in your financial and personal life.

First Patrick. Patrice and I have discussed this. There are two, maybe three things Patrick needs to do. First He must go to bed by 9, 9:30 at the latest. It is obvious he will not do it on his own. I recommend at 9 you turn off the TV and every other electronic thing to start the process. Set yourself an alarm to get this started. It will be hard at first but once he knows you mean it, it will become routine.

Second he must work on his homework the day he gets it. When he gets home you need to turn off the TV and all other electronic devices and insist that he work for one hour each day. Set a timer to make sure this happens. Also, he need to do his homework himself. Ignore the whining and crying. Patrice can help with recommendations on how to make this happen.

Third, he needs more chores around the house. Dusting and vacuuming, dishes. Show him once then leave him to it. Tell him the only way to get out of a chore is to finish it. Then inspect it and make sure he has done it correctly.

Now to your finances. I would like to know where the $6700 went. Amounts, Names and addresses of the places you sent the money.

Next you need to find a way to stop all unnecessary spending. If it does not go to your bills you do not need it. Patrick and Andrea do not need any more clothes or guns. This needs to happen now, today.

Next, you need to maintain your car better. I noticed the Check Engine light on. If you lose this car you are screwed. when was the last time you had the oil changed on this. Also, I believe you need to fix the small Kia and sell it ASAP before it deteriorates any further.

You need to find a way to make more money. Even if it is outside the house. Patrice and I can help with Andrea and Patrick. There is no way you can pay us back or your list of bills on what you make now.

Finally, you need to economize everywhere. If you have a thermometer that automatically adjust you need to set it to 64 at night and no higher than 68 in the day. AC settings are no lower than 82 during the day and 86 after 9PM.

Likewise water temperature. Set it to 120 then try to wean yourself from really hot showers. Slowly lower the shower water temperature over the next few months. also, lights and electrical items in the house. when you leave a room turn the lights off. Leaving then on does not save any money if you are returning soon.

Every dolar you save on this stuff can be sued to pay down your debt. The money should go to monthly bills, taxes the credit cards in that order.

Let me know what you think. I know Patrice will want to comment on some of these things. We are not trying to take over, we are trying to help.

John

Email response to John and Patrice
Apr 13th, 2017 11:09pm

Chris Ansman John Hayes, Patrice Hayes

John & Patrice,

I appreciate the time you took to craft such a detailed letter, I really do. I feel that both of you have viewed my previous letters as overly verbose, but I have found that writing is the medium that allows me to best organize and express my thoughts. I have many points, relevant to your suggestions, that I will expand upon and I hope you both give my words the same consideration and value that I have given yours. If you do happen to find yourself exhaling in exasperation right now, please take another breath and accept that I have no desire to cause any further divide between us and know that I understand your involvement and help is necessary for all of us to emerge from the tragedy we share.

The first thing I want to do is answer your questions about how I spent the money you gave us. I have repaid a $5,118.18 personal loan I took in August of 2016 to bring our first mortgage loan current and avoid foreclosure. This loan was given to me with the promise I would pay it back within 6 months. I have attached a copy of the statement showing the amount owed to our mortgage holder, Ocwen Loan Servicing, due at that time. The remaining amount was used to pay an outstanding balance of $1931.46 to the Village of Indian Falls Neighborhood Association to bring our homeowners association account up to date before having to appear in court on April 20th. I had fallen far behind on those accounts and accumulated a great deal of late fees and penalties.

To say that I need to make changes and create a plan to bring ourselves out of this hole is obvious. I do not see a clear way out of this and to be completely candid seems almost impossible given the totality of our circumstances.

I want you both to try and truly understand the psychological and emotional pain that Patrick and I have suffered as well as the burdens placed upon me since Andrea’s brain injury, but I fear how fruitless my words may appear to you both given the history created between us over the past several years in an effort to establish blame for Andrea’s demise. The reality of what we are left with in the aftermath is more than I can bear. I feel broken and find myself overwhelmed by the depression that comes from facing the reality that now defines my life. I struggle everyday to come to terms with with the pain over Andrea’s loss, and I do so with the knowledge that our future is dependent solely on my ability to accept that my marriage will forever be one-sided. I can never again expect my spouse to share in the responsibilities of maintaining our lifestyle, to be there for me when I need her, or even provide me the comfort of knowing that she understands my problems and that I am not facing them alone. I do not expect you to completely understand or empathize with my suffering over losing my spouse, you cannot, just as I cannot pretend to entirely understand your loss as a parent. I hope that you both understand that I, as her husband, and Patrick, as her son, had different expectations of Andrea than either of you did as her parents, and therefore our grief is complicated by the knowledge we can no longer expect her to fill the role of wife and mother. I often find myself wallowing in self-pity, encumbered by the burden of having to care for an invalid wife for the rest of my life. Those words make me feel selfish and inconsiderate knowing the hell that Andrea must be experiencing, but the weight of this obligation causes me great anxiety. I am also faced with the responsibility of successfully guiding my son through the turmoil that blatantly defines his life now after the loss of the mother who clearly was the most important person in his life. I cannot even pretend to understand the grief and trauma he continues to experience, in-part due to my own depression.

I feel that you might disagree with my characterization as this being a “loss”, and I sincerely hope that neither of you view it as such, but I am unable to see it any other way. I realize you may feel that this is a character flaw on my part, but I can only tell you how I feel and that I have tried very hard to convince myself, as well as Patrick and Andrea, that hope exists, but being reminded daily of the loss to Andrea’s faculties and how that affects our future is unavoidable.

I understand that you probably feel my depression has been overstated or exaggerated in an attempt to garner your sympathies, that is not the case. I can only say that you do not truly know me, and that has been obvious since the beginning. The fault for that lies almost completely on me. I am telling you these things because of the instructions and suggestions that you have presented me with, and even though they are simplistic and straightforward, they are by no means as simple to accommodate. I agree with what you are telling me to do, but the energy, sacrifice and focus needed to successfully implement all of them is requiring more than I am able to give. Sounds foolish right? It is not. I am being pulled in more directions than I can adequately explain and I simply have no more to give. I am not saying I will not try, especially on the suggestions concerning Patrick, but I do not want to be told to simply pull it together and do it because that is what is expected of me. It is not that easy. If it were, I would not be writing this letter and Andrea would be helping Patrick with his homework instead of me.

If you would like to provide us with a Nest thermostat and install it, that would be greatly appreciated. I am willing to follow the guidelines for the water heater, if you could take the time to come over and show me exactly what you are talking about. If you could help us by purchasing some groceries occasionally, continue to cook meals with Andrea on Mondays, purchase the supplements Andrea needs, and continue to offer financial assistance with any therapies you deem promising or beneficial to Andrea, we would be grateful. It would certainly reduce my load.

In reference to our cars, your concerns about my efforts to maintain the Kia Sportage properly are unfounded. I religiously change the oil at least every 4,000 miles. 2 months ago I had the transmission serviced and I replaced all the air filters, including the cabin filter. New brake pads, rotors, and tires (radials with an “H” speed rating) were purchased last summer. The check engine light is showing because of faulty O2 sensors that need replaced. I was told that this was not an emergency. As far as selling the other vehicle, I am avoiding that for a few reasons. Obviously as you are aware the car is not mine and I would need to petition the courts in order to sell the vehicle. I do not have the funds to pay for a lawyer to do so, and do not have the knowledge or energy to do so on my own. I further feel the monies received do not outweigh it’s usefulness as a spare vehicle in the event our primary vehicle becomes unusable (The Blue Book is only $1200).

Chris

Jul 25th, 2017 thru Jul 31st, 2017

Email to Patrice
Jul 25th, 2017 1:07pm

Chris Ansman Patrice Hayes

Patrice,

I ask that you take the time to respond to the questions below in writing. I acknowledge your belief that doing so serves no purpose, but I do not share that belief. It is my position that it is very important for reestablishing trust between us, so please be detailed and honest with your answers. Your complete and truthful answers are imperative; I cannot stress this enough. Other questions may come up that are not included here, and I will expect those questions to be answered in the same manner. If I need clarification or further explanation for any of your answers, I will expect those issues to be addressed.

I ask that you refrain from limiting your answer to any questions with “Andrea told us to…” or any variation thereof. Andrea emphatically states this did not occur and we both know she was not that type of person. Furthermore on May 20th, 2015 you made the statement, “Andrea has always relied on others to make decisions for her.”, to the case manager at Kindred Hospital when questioned about her history.

The choice to respond is yours, but if you choose not to, I will need to reevaluate the relationship between our families. I will need a response to these questions before we schedule any further events.

1. Why did you refuse to act on or even acknowledge my requests for you to get Andrea help for her Alcoholism?
2. Why did you compel Andrea to return to the divorce attorney after she refused to sign the initiation of divorce proceedings?
3. What happened after arriving at The Brooks? How long was Andrea there? How was she transported to Norton’s?
4. Why did you decide not to notify Patrick and I when Andrea was transported to the emergency room? (Particularly after being told how serious her condition was)
5. After discovering Andrea's alcoholism and knowing the behaviors all alcoholics exhibit (particularly lying), why did you choose not to give me the benefit of doubt?
6. What was your reasoning and/or justification to initiate complaints against me to Child Protective Services?
7. Why did you specifically state in your complaint that I threatened to not allow you to see Patrick if you did not allow me to see Andrea?
8. Why did you refuse to show me the POA?
9. Why did you feel it was necessary to have Andrea sign a Last Will & Testament prior to notifying us of her condition?
10. The Will states that an addendum or handwritten memorandum may be attached. Did Andrea complete any such addendum?
11. Why did you refuse to allow me to be talk to Andrea's doctors?
12. On May 7th, 2015 @ 7:15am, Andrea's Facebook account was updated to reflect that she was no longer married to me and I was removed as her 'Friend'. The update was made from her mobile phone which you had possession of. Who made these changes?
13. Why did you choose not involve me in Andrea's end of life wishes? (Apparently KODA was called about harvesting her organs)
14. Why did you continue to alienate me after you saw my commitment to Andrea?
15. Why did you choose not to assist me in fixing Patrick and I's medical insurance after authorizing Andrea's removal from our family policy?
16. Why did you forbid me to see Andrea and have Patrick and I escorted out of the hospital on June 15th, 2015?
17. Why did you have Andrea registered at Kindred under an assumed name after banishing us on June 15th, 2015?
18. Dr. Thomas made several notes in Andrea's records referencing my behavior that were false and overtly uncharacteristic for a medical record. What was she told about me that would compel a physician to make such notes?
19. Why did you compel Michael Gutter to limit my visitation with Andrea?
20. During the court proceedings, your attorney questioned me about the late hour I sent an email. The question was not allowed by the judge, but I did not understand what point he was attempting to make. Since the email was sent to you and only you would have knowledge of the time sent, what point was he trying to make?
21. What statements have you made to others about the website I created for Andrea (www.andreansman.com)?

Chris

Email response from Patrice
Jul 30th, 2017 4:22pm

Patrice Hayes Chris Ansman

PATRICE: I have already answered these questions.

Email response to Patrice
Jul 31st, 2017 11:26am

Chris Ansman Patrice Hayes

CHRIS: The only question that we touched on in New Jersey was the first one. Your response was “We did not believe you”. I then followed up that question with “Why didn’t you believe me? When have I ever lied to you?”, but got no response to that question.

None of the other questions were discussed.

Sep 27th, 2017

Andrea has no hope of a meaningful recovery and is condemned to live out the remainder of her life plagued by confusion, blindness, anxiety, an inability to effectively communicate, and suffering from the wide range medical conditions that currently afflict her (and those yet to develop) that are consistent with the severity of her brain injury.

This is not a conclusion that I have formed, it is the unified conclusion of Andrea's doctors. Over the years I have chosen to ignore their opinion, as most survivors do, out of desperation to save my family, but the delusion has slowly turned to despair. The heartache of knowing that the woman I love is gone is only exacerbated by the realization that I have committed myself to caring for the stranger that is left behind.

Many people tell me it could be worse (it could) or to be grateful that she survived (I am), but those words, well-intentioned as they are, only seem to underscore that my depression is a character flaw that I am unable manage appropriately.

“The worst battle you'll have to fight is between what you know and how you feel.” -- Turcois Ominek